Writing your memoir is a wonderful gift to your family
We all have a story and telling it can be good for us.
Not only does writing or recording your memoir preserve history for your family, but the process contributes to your cognitive and emotional health, according to experts at Hebrew SeniorLife, a nonprofit senior healthcare and living community in the Boston area affiliated with Harvard University.
Lisa Barriere, volunteer coordinator for the Visiting Nurse Association of Cape Cod Hospice, sees it in the patients she talks with as part of the VNA’s Life Story program. Patients are asked if they want to participate and those interested work with Barriere or a volunteer to record memories that are preserved on a CD for their families.
Barriere calls it “the most meaningful gift you leave.”
“The story of your life is not just for you, but it’s a historical diary for those you love,” she said.
Barriere and hospice volunteers use an unobtrusive tape recorder and usually start a session with a few minutes of conversation in order to build trust. Then, they might segue into questions such as “Did you have a sweetheart? What was the music like when you were dating? What was your biggest worry when you were a teenager?”
“I kind of read the person,” Barriere said. “And if it just feels like it’s not right to ask a question, then I don’t. … The one question I love is, ‘Do you feel like you have any unfinished business? Are there people you want to talk with? Things you need to say?’”
Finding Common Ground
Barriere tries to find common ground with her subject. “Before you know it, they’re off on a tangent you never dreamed you’d go on.”
For example, World War II veterans have opened up about things they’ve never told their families. Sometimes, she said, the process backfires and touches a bitter nerve. In one case, she and another family member made the decision not to share a recording. But mostly, patients are happy or eager to tell their stories, and Barriere delights in them. One of her favorite experiences was an elderly married couple in Wellfleet.
“They were just so sweet together. And she looked at him like it was the first time she had ever met him. I really walked away with this wonderful feeling.”
Deb Kanter of Yarmouthport, who’s been a hospice volunteer for decades and is now with VNA Hospice, said it sometimes helps that the person gathering the information is not a family member. Her own experience working in human relations and coaching helps her connect with people, she said.
“I think it’s harder for somebody who’s a family member to do it and get the same responses as it is for someone who’s totally objective and doesn’t know the person to begin with or has them as a hospice patient,” she said.
She likes to ask questions about feelings, because that’s what families often value the most. Examples include, what was it like with your family on holidays? Or, how did you get along with your siblings?
Listening to stories requires empathy and composure, said Kanter, who described it as “real bare-bone, heartfelt stuff.”
“If you’re going to do it, then you have to be prepared that you’re going to hear certain things that, believe me, are not easy to hear. And you really don’t want to show too much negative affect. … But, yes, there’re lots of times that it’s been uncomfortable, or it’s been difficult because I felt sad that the person had to go through something traumatic or difficult.”
Kanter holds onto the times that are hopeful and pleasurable. It’s a gift for the person doing the recording, she said. “You see people at their most vulnerable times and they’re allowing you in, really allowing you in, to do that work.”
