The holidays can be hard if you are grieving
For most of us, the holidays are a time of joy and celebration. But for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, they can be very difficult. Since holidays depend so much on memories and traditions, those same traditions might act as a reminder of who is missing this year. We asked Cathy Perkins, MD, a psychiatrist who is the medical director of Emergency Psychiatry Services at Cape Cod Hospital, for some strategies to help people who have recently lost a loved one cope with their loss at this time of year.
“I think people should make it a point to bolster their supports around them, whether it be with their own family, neighbors or friends,” she said. “And be open to asking for help if they need it and to accepting it if it is offered, because people can’t help if they aren’t allowed to.”
Some people might think it’s better to be alone during the holidays, but Dr. Perkins said it’s important to do an honest assessment about whether that is really going to be comforting or will it be depressing instead? Oftentimes, staying connected to others is a comfort because you feel less alone.
People can interact with others through their local gym, community center, senior center or church. Many churches offer “blue services” around Christmas that are specifically designed to help people who are grieving .
Cape Cod Healthcare Foundation hosts an annual fundraiser to support the Visiting Nurse Association of Cape Cod Hospice. This December, the Tree of Memories will feature seashell ornaments bearing the names of loved ones displayed on evergreen trees framing the memorial walkway outside of the McCarthy Care Center at 73 Service Road in East Sandwich. To participate, please visit their website.
Support Groups Can Help
Support groups can also be extremely helpful since they are attended by people who are facing similar grief.
Some local grief support groups are:
Think About Traditions
Some people might find comfort in sticking with the same traditions they always had with their missing loved one. Cooking the person’s favorite dish or hanging a special ornament on the tree in their honor helps people process the fact that even though the person died, the love they had for them didn’t die with them.
Others may prefer to start new traditions, Dr. Perkins said. If you always host the big holiday meal, you might want to go to a friend’s house for the meal instead. Another option is to go to a neutral place like a restaurant. If you do decide to host the usual holiday meal, ask others to help by bringing side dishes. Grief is very tiring, and the holidays are already exhausting, she said.
“I don’t think there is a best way to express grief, because people are so different,” Dr. Perkins said. “Some people might immediately express their grief. Some people might not for a year or more. Some people have anticipatory grief before the loss, so they’ve sort of dealt with it even beforehand to some degree.”
When Grief Becomes Something More
The usual advice is that it takes people a full year to process their grief, she said. You have to get through all the seasons and all of the “firsts” without your loved one. If you are still feeling profound grief after that, she advises seeking psychiatric counseling. But if at any time during the first year you are having depressive symptoms, you should seek help sooner.
Signs of a depressive disorder include:
- Not functioning in day-to-day life and having a lack of energy
- Being really tearful or feeling sad most of the time
- Not sleeping or sleeping too much
- Not eating or losing weight
- Losing interest in things that used to interest you
- Having suicidal thoughts
When you are grieving, self-care becomes even more important. Dr. Perkins recommends getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet and exercising even if you’d rather not. Stay connected with friends and family. If you feel strong enough, she also recommends volunteering to help others who are having an even harder time than you. Food pantries and local community kitchens that feed the unhoused are always looking for help.
If you have a loved one who is grieving – either from a death or a divorce, there are ways you can support that person. Check in on them frequently. Offer to bring them a meal to share or invite them on a walk. Plan an outing that you can do together.
“Keep vigilant and be available for the person,” she said. “I think you just keep reaching out to them even beyond the first month.”
