Is ‘benign neglect’ a good parenting style?
In the movie, Yes Day, actress Jennifer Garner plays a helicopter parent who says the word ‘no’ much more often than ‘yes.’ She thinks saying no is a big part of her job to protect her kids. But when her children accuse her and her husband of being “fun killers,” they decide to have a “yes day” with an important bet with their young teenage daughter on the line. If they say no even once during the day, the daughter wins the right to go a rave concert without adult supervision.
It's a warm-hearted and funny family movie with lessons for both sides. The kids learn that sometimes mom actually is right, while mom learns that she enjoys parenting more when she loosens up.
When interviewed on NBC’s Today recently, Garner confessed to hosts Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager that her style of parenting in real life is quite a bit different from the character in the movie.
“I want to be around,” Garner said, “But I also think it’s okay if they suffer from a little bit of benign neglect.”
Garner went on to explain that she thinks it’s healthy for her kids to live their own lives and for them to see her doing the same.
That message resonated with pediatrician Roshann Hooshmand, MD, at Cape Cod Pediatrics in Forestdale, but she did think a different word for the practice might be better.
“The word ‘neglect’ suggests that you’re not present, but you have to be present to guide safe choices,” she said. “The key is to be all in by participating and celebrating in your child’s unique spirit through activities and events of their choosing. But we have to be prepared to be all out, allowing them to own their own choices and take responsibility for the outcome.”
A Parenting Conundrum
Letting go of our ability to control every experience, especially when it means our child will fail or be disappointed, is one of the most difficult parts of parenting, Dr. Hooshmand said. She sees a lot of parents who want to control everything in their child’s life and that isn’t healthy for either party involved.
“The silver lining is that independent experiences are where children grow,” she said. “The lessons give them the framework to develop critical thinking skills for the future. If we do everything for our kids, they really are never going to believe in themselves. Jennifer Garner’s movie portrays a mom that pokes fun at the seriousness and complexity of parenting. It also reminds us that parents are people too.”
Even though the child is considered her patient in her practice, Dr. Hooshmand spends a lot of time engaged in parental coaching because the health of the whole family unit is important to the health of the child. She reminds parents to not forget their own life journey. When parents model a happy adulthood, it actually shows kids that they too can be happy and successful as adults.
“A lot of this is about finding the joy in parenting again,” she said. “Parenting is one of the most important and difficult jobs you’ll ever experience. If done well, you will enrich your own life by learning about your child as an individual while providing them the tools to be successful as adults.”
A Delicate Balance
The best approach is to find the balance between love and logic, Dr. Hooshmand said. That becomes harder to do as our children grow older because the dangers seem riskier and more real when our kids are teenagers. But if a parent has given their child space to learn how to become independent and self-confident thinkers when they are young, they are much less likely to make bad decisions as they get older.
“You have to push your comfort zone a little bit as a parent,” she said. “And we’re going to make mistakes, so you have to be kind to yourself. Enjoy the process of parenting. It’s not going to always be fun. But the key is you also don’t want to alienate your kids. If you find that balance, the bond between the parents and the child will grow and evolve too – not just when they are little but as they become adults.”
