How to help a grieving friend over the holidays
It’s not easy knowing how to support and comfort a friend who is grieving for a loved one, particularly at this time of year.
“People generally think of the holidays being joyful, fun, and happy,” said Krista Lesinski, PsyD, a psychologist with the Partial Hospitalization Program at Cape Cod Healthcare Behavioral Health Services. “When people go through a loss, that is not necessarily the case for them.”
The next couple of months – with Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and the onset of winter weather – can be an especially hard time for people who have recently lost a loved one, said Lesinski.
One of the things she finds most helpful for those who are trying to support a friend is just listening to that person and asking them specifically how you can be of help.
“A lot of times we come from our own framework, and we think we shouldn’t talk about their loss, or we don’t invite them over for dinner because we think they may feel uncomfortable,” she said. “But that may be the opposite of what they want and maybe they want a space where they can talk about it, or they may want to be around joy.”
Be open to talking about their loved one and don’t avoid talking about their loss, because they may think they can’t talk about it with you, she said. “It is hardest when someone ignores the situation and pretends everything is fine.”
Lesinski offers the following suggestions for holiday participation:
- Be very specific: Tell them you know the holidays can be hard and ask what you can do to support them.
- Give them options: Ask if they would like to join your holiday festivities or traditions. Ask them if they would like to come over for dinner or offer the alternative to join you for dessert instead.
- A visit the night before: A grieving friend may feel more comfortable visiting with you the night before the holiday rather than the day itself.
- Listen: Ask about stories of their loved one and the traditions they shared. Ask to look at their photos.
- Offer them an out: Agree on a nod, a hand signal, or a code word from them so you can help them leave gracefully, if they arrive to join in the celebration and find they are uncomfortable being there.
- Send a card: If they choose not to come to your celebrations, a card will let them know you are thinking of them. This is something you can do anytime, not just during the holiday season.
“There is no script for this,” Lesinski said. “Whatever you say with love, remaining open and being as patient as possible is the right approach. Anything you say and do with good intention is the right thing.”
Support Groups
Mental health support services are offered through Cape Cod Healthcare Behavioral Health Services at Cape Cod Hospital. Services include admission and referral, emergency services for psychiatric care, inpatient psychiatric program, intensive outpatient psychiatric program, outpatient behavioral health services, and the adult partial hospitalization program.
The adult partial hospitalization program is voluntary and offers those with a mental health diagnosis to participate in group programs daily. People have the option of participating in person or virtually. “It’s an opportunity for people to be around other people who understand,” said Lesinski.
The Visiting Nurse Association of Cape Cod Hospice & Palliative Care offers bereavement support groups in Falmouth, Mashpee, Yarmouth, Osterville, Sandwich, Orleans, Wellfleet, and Provincetown. Groups are open to anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one. Contact the following staff to confirm group schedule and to pre-register (required) in advance:
Emily Davern, LICSW, 508-740-2342 (Falmouth, Mashpee)
Sarah Stevenson, LICSW 508-740-3979 (Yarmouth, Osterville)
Heidi Champagne, M. Div, 774-722-4261 (Sandwich)
Jeanne Burke, M. Dvi, 508-740-2370 (Orleans, Wellfleet, Provincetown)
Lesinski also recommends the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) as a resource for mental health support and services.
