Helping men stay socially active after retirement

Americans are experiencing an epidemic of social isolation and loneliness, former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy warned in a 2023 report entitled, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” Murthy came to this conclusion after traveling on a cross-country listening tour, where he discovered that people felt “isolated, invisible and insignificant.”

The problem is especially significant among older Americans. In 2023, a national poll found that 37 percent of adults between the ages of 50 and 80 years old experienced loneliness, and 34 percent reported feeling socially isolated. These problems are even more acute on Cape Cod and among senior men, according to Jennifer Marlin, DNP, a psychiatric nurse practitioner at the Cape Cod Healthcare Centers for Behavioral Health Outpatient Services, whose clients include many older men.

“So many men lack any social connections,” she said. “Older people need to be engaged in the community and feel needed and wanted. A lot of these older men who come in to see me say they have no purpose for getting up in the morning because we have trained our men in this country to believe that what they do is who they are. So if they don’t have a job anymore, they don’t have an identity. I can’t tell you how many miserable retired men we have.”

Part of the problem is the nature of Cape Cod as a retirement community, she said. When couples retire here, men often leave their work friends behind. Women tend to make new friends but men are more apt to focus on working around the house and yard. Since men tend to die earlier than women, their friends also disappear at a quicker rate. If their wife dies, they are even more isolated.

“Men need that connection,” Marlin said. “They need the acknowledgement of their feelings and to talk about their emotional stuff on a more regular basis. I may only see them every three months, but that may be the deepest conversation they’ve had in a long time. There are some patients that say, ‘this is the first time that I’ve talked to anybody since I last spoke to you.’”

To address this issue, there are a few groups on Cape Cod that are designed specifically to engage with retired men. One of the most active ones is the Retired Men’s Club of Cape Cod. They have the following subsets of clubs/activities:

• Their Bowling League meets at Ryan Family Amusements in South Yarmouth every Tuesday at noon from Labor Day to mid-May.
• Their Chess Club was started in 2024 as a way to help members keep their minds sharp to maintain cognitive function.
• Members can register to play golf together at 10 different courses each year – five in the spring and five in the fall.
• The Investment Discussion Group meets at 2:30 p.m. on the third Thursday of each month except July, August and December at Kings Way Meeting House. Topics include portfolio management, the stock market, estate planning, setting up a trust and the tax implications of investments.
• The Cycling Club began in 2024. Members and their spouses or significant others get together to explore the Cape’s hundreds of miles of bike paths and dozens of small towns.
• The Shuffleboard Group meets from 1 to 3 p.m. Mondays at the Dennis Center for Active Living. Spouses and significant others are also welcome.
• The Retired Men’s Club hosts a local chapter of the ROMEO Club (Retired Old Men Eating Out), a nationwide men’s club that meets once a month to dine and socialize together. The Cape Cod chapter meets for breakfast at 8:30 a.m. on the third Thursday of the month at Jack’s Outback in Yarmouth Port.
• They also offer various other dining and social events throughout the year that include spouses or significant others.

“Retired men need a connection with the community,” Marlin said. “They need to foster a sense of familiarity with people around them. They need to find things to do, like exercise. Walking with a friend is great for managing stress and anxiety. They can do a pick-up pickleball game. They can go to classes. The libraries have Lifelong Learning courses. If you are over age 65, you can go to any college course and audit the course so you can be engaged with people who are younger than you.”

The Cape Cod Men’s Club also offers the following socialization opportunities for men who are retired or close to retiring:

• Candlepin Bowling League meets from 8:45 to 11:30 a.m. at Ryan Family Amusements in South Yarmouth on Mondays from September through May.
• Two seasons of golf opportunities at some of the best public golf courses on Cape Cod. Formats include scramble, bramble, and step-aside, and prize money is given for the best shot and the best team.
• A monthly dine-out activity is held at various restaurants around the Cape. Spouses or significant others are included.
• The Investment Group meets once a month to discuss estate planning, tax-deferred exchanges, investing in Cape Cod residential real estate, the stock market, insurance issues, taxes, trusts, wills, and any other money topic that is of interest to the group.
• The Fishing Group meets to enjoy fishing together, including spin and fly fishing in both fresh and salt water.
• The Discussion Group meets once a month at the Hearth ‘n Kettle in South Yarmouth to discuss politics, sports and local issues.
• The Energy Discussion Group meets monthly on Zoom to discuss topics involving the energy sector. They also do on-site visits to hear local speakers on the topic.
• The Garden Group meets for lunch once a month at the Hearth ‘n Kettle in South Yarmouth to discuss how to best grow flowers, herbs and vegetables in home gardens.

Most towns have very active senior centers that offer games, classes, meals and other ways to socialize with peers. Check out their websites for activities, times and dates. Volunteering for local nonprofits or joining a church are also great ways to socialize.