5 ways you can help your kids’ mental health
“I hate you,” John yelled in his mother’s direction. “Leave me alone!”
Olivia’s dad found her crying in a corner of the house, picking away at the broken pieces of a friendship bracelet.
Sam’s grandparents sat worrying in the emergency department waiting room. Sam had been taken to the hospital by ambulance following a suicide attempt.
There is a crisis around kids’ mental health, according to the American Psychological Association. While tragic for children and teens, thousands of parents and other caregivers are desperate to find ways to help.
Children, especially teens, are under so much more pressure now than a generation ago, said Tracie Moulton, MSN, CRNP-PC, PMHS, who sees patients at Cape Cod Pediatrics. Her credentials include PMHS, which stands for “pediatric mental health specialist,” a high-demand field these days.
In June, the U.S. Surgeon General issued a Social Media and Youth Mental Health advisory in response to mounting and alarming statistics about anxiety, depression and suicide among children and teens. Recent studies have shown:
- Suicide is a leading cause of death among young people in the United States.
- Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health condition among children, adolescents and young people, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics.
- Teen girls are experiencing record levels of violence, sadness and suicide risk in the United States, according to a CDC report [PDF]. Data showed 57 percent of high school girls felt persistently sad or hopeless in 2021 – a nearly 60 percent increase and the highest level reported over the past decade.
The surgeon general’s advisory also mentions parents’ perspectives: Nearly 70 percent of parents say parenting is now more difficult than it was 20 years ago. Moulton agreed.
“There is no easy answer,” she said. “I think parents are doing the best they can. They are so busy just trying to work and earn a living, and we all know that teenagers can be challenging at best. But parents need time to check in with their kids in ways that are meaningful for the children, and they need the skills to do that.”
How to Help
Moulton offered this helpful advice for parents, grandparents and other caregivers:
1. Create time to spend with your children.
Don’t worry about trying to follow a strict schedule of “together time,” Moulton said. Instead, she suggested being mindful about the quality time you spend with your children.
“Those little moments of time spent communicating with your kids are the best,” she explained. “For instance, talk while you’re driving in the car or eating dinner. Studies show that a child’s mental and emotional health is improved when families sit down and have a meal together several times a week. Kids function better because there’s a touchpoint, and you can check in with each other with all phones and other distractions out of the way.”
2. Give children a voice.
Approach problems, discipline and correction in a collaborative way, she suggested.
“You are still the parent. You’re still in charge,” she emphasized. “But collaboration means giving your child more of a voice. Let them discuss issues, participate. When you solve a problem together, you are actually teaching that child a skill. Inviting them to be part of the problem-solving process helps them learn important problem-solving skills.”
3. Listen more, and don’t be afraid of what your teens tell you.
“I think we need to listen more to our teens and be less judgmental,” Moulton said. She believes listening with compassion is key. That means trying to understand their viewpoints, which may not be your viewpoints.
“Even if what your teen tells you makes you freak out inside, stay calm on the outside. Then come to us, and we’ll help you,” Moulton said.
You’re the adult, she reminded, and staying calm when they talk with you encourages them to talk with you even more. If you can listen with compassion and without judgement, your children will be more likely to come to you for help when they need it.
4. Meet children where they are.
“In therapy, I hear a lot, and I’m not shocked by anything I hear,” Moulton said, noting that sometimes parents can be shocked by what teens tell them.
Parents tend to respond in ways that may change their children’s feelings instead of listening to their thoughts.
Moulton recommended meeting children where they are in their thinking because what they are feeling is very real to them. Adults may think a child’s thoughts are ridiculous. Remember, those thoughts are not ridiculous to the child, she said.
It is normal for parents to want to make their kids feel better, Moulton explained, so they may be inclined to say, “There’s no reason for you to feel that way. Look at how much good you have in your life.” Instead, show empathy and understanding by saying something like, “Oh, man, it sounds like you’re really struggling. I can tell you are really sad.”
What the child really needs is a listening presence, according to Moulton.
“That’s when you come to healthcare professionals for help and start the process of working through the child’s situation,” she said.
5. Trust your instincts. You will know when kids need help.
Don’t wait. Make an appointment for children to see their doctor when you see signs of anxiety, depression, extreme stress, or worse ⎯ suicide.
Parents instinctively know if their children are troubled, Moulton said.
She cautioned that it can be hard with teens because they tend to stay in their rooms more, and their sadness or stress can be expressed as irritability.
Generally, it is easier for children and youth to speak to counselors than to speak to a parent or family member. School counselors are wonderful resources, Moulton said. She hears from students that they often have already talked with school counselors. And she said most kids have one or more friends they can talk to, which helps.
Moulton gives all her patients crisis contact information. 988 is the national suicide hotline number.
